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T. S. DENISON a COMPANY, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago 



The Cabman and the 
Lady 

A VAUDEVILLE SKETCH 



ADAPTED BY 

WILLIAM D. EMERSON 

AUTHOR OF 
"The Eyes of the Law'''' and "Smith the Aviator' 1 '' 




CHICAGO 
T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



THE CABMAN AND THE LADY 

— ^\ 

CHARACTERS. 

Patrick Dwyer The Mysterious Cabman 

Adolphus Van Sittart A Jealous Husband 

Vivian Van Sittart The Mistaken Lady 



Time of Playing— About Thirty Minutes. 



Time — The Present. Place — New York City. 



As played by the Author in Vaudeville a number of sea- 
sons under the firm name of Emerson, Caffray and Emerson. 



CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES. 

Patrick Dwyer — About 40 years of age ; red faced bluff, 
good natured Irishman ; large man to contrast strongly with 
Van Sittart. Costume — Regulation coachman's coat and silk 
hat; underneath a gray flannel shirt, and old blue trousers 
belted with black leather belt. 

Adolphus Van Sittart — About 26 years of age ; typical 
young business man. After his suspicions are aroused he 
speaks in an exaggerated, melo-dramatic style. Costume — 
Neat business suit with a second coat exactly similar, to be 
torn and muddied ; a neat dertxy hat with a duplicate to be 
dilapidated ; changes to handsome dressing gown. 

Vivian Van Sittart — About 24 years of age, good look- 
ing and sensible ; played matter of fact. Costume — Neat 
handsome house dress first; then a handsome coat and hat. 



COPYRIGHT, 1911, BY EBEN H. NORRIS. 

2 

TMPS6-0G7280 

C-CI.D 255 49 



:he cabman and the lady. 



SCENE. 



Interior 




{ CENTER DOOR L 

[ Q ' (P0RTIER8) *q1 

J Stand 



SIOEBOARD D 

Arm Chair 



LSta ^ d Cha°rJf^ Chair 

Door 



D WINDOW 

Chair 

$ Halltree. - 1 - 




Tormentor 



Tormentor 



Note. — This scene is made elaborate for a professional produc- 
tion ; however, if lacking in stage equipments, use any interior 
scene. This play does not depend on scenery for its success. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage ; C, center ; R. C. y right cen- 
ter ; L., left ; 1 E. y first entrance ; U. E., upper entrance, etc. ; 
D. P., door in flat or back of the stage. The actor is sup- 
posed to be facing the audience. 



PROPERTIES. 

Fancy dining table, high-backed sofa, arm chair, three 
chairs, halltree or hat rack, handsome buffet or sideboard, 
two cut glass decanters, three or four glasses, three plates, 
cups, saucers, knives, forks, spoons, etc. Handsome coffee 
pot, creamer and sugar bowl on tray. Number of dishes for 
food. Coffee in pot and liquor in decanters. Dressing gown, 
buggy whip, card, red silk muffler, handsome ladies' writing 
desk, writing materials, door bell, horse effects. Plenty of 
food to suggest breakfast on the dishes on table. 




'Villian, Where Is My Wife' 



THE CABMAN AND THE LADY 






Scene: An elegantly furnished dining room in Van 
Sittart's home. Fancy C. D. with doors R. 2 E and L. 2 E. 
and a window L. 4 E. Handsome portieres on arch. Side- 
board or buffet with decanters, glasses, etc., R. U. E. Writ- 
ing desk with pen, ink and paper, L. U. E. Chair in front 
of desk. Arm chair up R. C. back of table. Table set for 
breakfast, R. of C. Chairs R. and L. of table. Halltree with 
dressing gown, R. 2 E., near door. Sofa with high back L. 
of C. Stands with plants; bric-a-brac, rugs, etc.^ to dress 
the set. See Scene Plot for stage setting. 

At rise Adolphus seated at table reading paper. Puts it 
aside and is "about to eat when he notices his wife's bag on 
table. Picks it up and looking through contents takes out 
card, which he scans. He speaks throughout the play in 
exaggerated melo-dramatic tones. 

Adolphus Hello ! What's this ? A memorandum for three 
hours' cab hire yesterday. (Rises.) Now what could my 
wife want with a cab for three hours? When I left home 
yesterday morning she said nothing about going out. Hum ! 
Suspicious ! Very suspicious ! Extremely suspicious ! ( Turn- 
ing card over.) The memorandum is on the back of the 
cabman's card. (Reads.) Patrick Dwyer. Cab number seven. 
There's something up. I'm sure of it. (Doubtfully.) Shall 
I ask my wife? No. Women are so deceitful. (Pause.) I 
have it. I'll instantly seek cab number seven and inquire 
what my wife was doing for three hours in a cab. I'm nat- 
urally impulsive and I cannot stand this uncertainty. Aha! 
Mrs. Vivian Van Sittart, you are little aware that I am onto 
this clandestine pilgrimage in a cab for three hours. (Hold- 
ing up card.) This little piece of pasteboard may be the 
clew to some harrowing discovery. 



6 THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 

Vivian (outside R. 2 E.). Adolphus! 

Adolph. My wife's voice. I haven't a moment to lose. 

Vivian. I'll bring the coffee in a moment, dear. 

Adolph. Never mind the coffee. I'm going now. (Cross- 
ing over to halltree L.) 

Vivian (outside). Wait a moment and I'll, lock the front 
door after you. 

Adolph. No need. Fm going out the back gate. (Tak- 
ing cane and hat from halltree.) I'm going out for the day. 
I shant be back for dinner, and in all probability won't be 
home till morning. (Aside.) Now for cab number seven. 
(He exits hurriedly through center door, going R. Vivian 
enters from door R. 2 E.) 

Vivian (Peevishly). Won't be home till morning. 
(Vexed.) Pretty carrying on indeed. Since he has taken to 
writing novels in his spare moments, he sees # nothing but 
melodrama in the commonest happenings of everyday life, 
and for the last three days he has been so absorbed in a new 
plot that he has scarcely uttered a single word. Now I am 
to be left alone for the entire day. (Walks angrily to and 
fro.) But I'll not endure it any longer. I'll have a separation ! 
(Bell rings off L. 2 E. She goes to window L. 4 E. and 
looks out.) A cab. Who can this be, I wonder. It's rather 
early for a visit. (Opens door L. 2 E.) 

Pat enters doors L. 2 E. speaking off as he enters. 

Pat. Who, there, Napoleon! Good mornin', mum. 

Vivian (surprised). Well, sir; what is it? 

Pat (looking about furtively). I beg your pardon, mum, 
air ye alone? 

Vivian (surprised). Yes, quite alone. 

Pat (approaching mysteriously) . Sure ye see, mum, it's 
aboot this. (Holds up a handsome red silk muffler.) 

Vivian (aside). Why, it's his muffler, the one I sent him 
Christmas. He must have left it in the cab yesterday. (She 
goes to Pat and looks the muffler over as though trying to 
recall it.) 



THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 7 

Adolphus enters C. D. from right suddenly searching his 
pocket industriously. 

Adolph {aside). I forgot my latch key. (Sees the others.) 
Hello ! My wife in earnest talk with a cabman. There's 
something up. (Quickly hides behind the right portiere of 
C. D. } popping his head out during the scene with exag- 
gerated gestures.) 

Pat. Oim glad ye air alone, mum. It's best whin ye 
don't want matters talked about, ye know. 

Vivian. What do you mean? 

Pat. But it's all right so far as Oi am concerned. Yev 
no reason to be afraid of Pat Dwyer, cab number sivin. 
(Aeiolphus looks from behind the curtains.) 

Adolph. Number seven! The very man! 

Pat (significantly) . But mum's the worrud, mum. 

Vivian (puzzled). I do not understand you. 

Pat (bantering). Come, that's rayther too good. Why, 
surely ye haven't forgotten th' three hours' drive ye took 
in me cab yesterday (knowingly) wid a certain gint all 
dressed up in a "fuzzy" overcoat. 

Adolph (starting — aside). A "fuzzy" overcoat! Hor- 
rible ! 

Vivian (impatiently). Well, what of it? 

Pat. Well, ye see, mum, whin Oi gets back ter th' stable 
yisterday, I looked in th' cab an' found this red silk muffler. 
(Holding muffler in the air.) 

Adolph (aside). A red silk muffler ! (Tragically.) Some 
fearful revelation is at hand! 

Pat. First Oi was goin' ter take it to th' police station, 
but says Oi ter mesel.f, says Oi, ef Oi do thot s th' article 
may be advertised in th' newspapers, an' th' husband will 
learn about it, which Oi knew yez didn't want, 'cause I heerd 
ye say so to th' gintleman. 

Adolph (peeping from portiere — aside). This is infa- 
mous! 

Pat. Yeh see, mum, Oi'm allers fer th' ladies Oi am,. 
Oi'm not the sort ov a chap to get th' fair sex into throuble, 



8 THE CABMAN AND THE LADY, 

'specially whin she's taken me card an' said she'll be a 
steady customer. 

Vivian. It's really very thoughtful of you. 

Pat. So Oi sez ter meself, sez Oi, Oi'll take th' article 
back to th' leddy, she'll be sure t' treat me right. So here 
yez hev et mum. (Hands muffler to her.) Oi'm only a 
poor cabby, but Oi know how to do th' right thing in a de- 
centish sort ov a way. 

Adolph (shaking his fist — aside). I'll do the right thing 
in d decentish sort of a way presently! (Vivian takes the 
muffler from him y goes up to table and taking purse from 
bag on table comes down and hands Pat a bill.) 

Vivian. Here, my good fellow, here are two dollars for 
you. 

Adolph (aside — furious). Two dollars! My money, too! 

Vivian. But stay. You had better take it at once to 
the gentleman himself. 

Pat. Him in th' "fuzzy" overcoat? (Pleased.) All 
roight, mum, Oi rimimber th' address. (Aside.) He'll tip me 
somethin' too, no doubt. (Aloud — taking the muffler.) Oi 
wish ye good mornin', mum. (Pat crosses to door L. 2 E. 
and Vivian crosses to door R.2 E.) 

Vivian. Good morning. (Exits door R. 2 E.) 

Pat (at door). Oi'll, have a tub av soods at th' dootch- 
man's aroun' th' corner, jest ter congratulate myself. (As 
he exits.) Coom along, Napoleon. (Exits L. 2 E.) 

Adolph (coming dozvn stage). Aha! A bright idea. I'll 
catch on behind the cab, and so accompany number seven 
to his destination. (Wildly.) Ha! ha! ha! I'll catch on 
behind. (Exit stealthily on tiptoe door L. 2 E.) 

Vivian enters R. 2 E. 

Vivian. I wonder when Adolphus will return? I am 
so afraid he might discover my little plot and thus spoil 
all. It's a good thing he left before the cabman came. He 
might have become suspicious, which would never have 
done. (Violent ring at door bell off L.) But who can this 
be, I wonder. (Another violent ring of the bell. Vivian 



THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 9 

goes to window and looks out.) Why, it's Adolphus. He's 
all covered with mud. What can have happened? {She 
goes down to door L. 2 E., opens it, admitting Adolphus 
in an extremely damaged condition, hat bulging, necktie 
untied, clothes covered zvith mud 3 trousers tucked up, etc.) 
However came you in this disgraceful condition? 

Adolph {confused — stammering) I— I — I — was caught 
in an awful storm — (Vivian goes up to window to see) — 
a — a — a — there's a terrific storm just around the corner! 

Vivian. You should have taken a cab. 

Adolph. I — I — did take a cab! {Grinding his teeth — 
aside.) But it let me go again. (Vivian gets dressing 
gown from halltree.) 

Vivian. Here, put this on. (Adolphus takes off his 
coat, which he hands to Vivian^ taking the dressing gown 
from her. She puts the coat on the halltree and coming 
back looks sharply at Adolphus, who is standing with 
dressing gown in his hand staring in front of him.) Don't 
stand there shivering. Put on your jacket. {Looks at table.) 
Why, you haven't had any breakfast yet. I'll run and bring 
you something hot. {Exit door R. 2 E.) 

Adolph {bitterly). Something hot! I've had it pretty 
hot already this morning. {Slips on the dressing gown and 
wraps it furiously around him.) I jumped up behind num- 
ber seven safe enough, but no sooner was I there than a 
pack of dirty faced boys set up a shout of "Cut behind!" 
{Rubbing his hand softly up and down the back part of his 
trousers.) By Jupiter! the fellow did cut behind — with his 
whip. I let go — I was obliged to let go. Down I went into 
a large mud puddle and away went the cab without me; 
but {tragically) the plot is thickening! I can't stand this 
uncertainty any longer. If I don't discover this fuzzy over- 
coat I shall bust, pop, explode ! I know I shall ! ( Throzvs 
himself violently upon sofa and kicks about in a frenzy.) 

Pat appears at door L. 2 E. with a letter in his hand. 
Looks about, sees Adolphus. 



10 THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 

Pat (surprised). Hello! Why, here's a gintleman havin' 
a fit on th' sofia. Beg yer pardon, boss — ( Adolphus springs 
off sofa with a violent start and rushes toward Pat, who 
retreats in alarm.) 

Adolphus. As I live, here he is again! (Wildly.) Ha! 
ha ! Fate a second time throws him within my grasp ! 

Pat (alarmed). Beg pardon, Oi'm lookhV fer th' leddy 
ov th' house. 

Adolphus. Never mind the lady of the house. (Looks 
about stage mysteriously, puts his finger to his lips and 
then in a hoarse whisper.) Hush! You're number seven! 

Pat. Noomber sivin, alias Pat Dwyer. It's all th' same. 
(Facetiously.) Some calls me be name, an' others has me 
number. 

Adolph (with bombastic mystery). Hush! My wife en- 
gaged you yesterday for three hours! 

Pat (astonished). Your wife? You don't mean to say 
you're ould what's his name? 

Adolph (with increasing mystery). Yes, I am old what's 
his name. (Handing him a bill.) Here is a dollar for you. 
(With melodramatic exaggeration.) Now, tell me, gentle 
cabman, where you did drive my faithless wife. Speak ! I'll 
pay you for every word you utter were you to take the 
live long day. 

Pat (hastily putting down whip). Then you'd betther 
take me be th' hour. (Aside.) Well, this is a stroke av 
luck. Oi've got hold av the husban' now. (Turning to. 
him — mysteriously.) Well, boss, Oi don't loike ter make 
yez feel bad, but things look mighty queer. 

Adolph (starting). You don't mean that. 

Pat. It's lucky fer ye Oi was mixed up in this matther. 
Oi'm all fer th' husbans. Oi am. (Holding out hand sig- 
nificantly.) Mum's th' worrud! 

Adolph (impatiently). Goon — goon! 

Pat. Afore Oi sthart, Oi wouldn't objict ter a sort av 
deposit. Th' resht Oi lave ter ye ginnerosity. 

Adolph. Oh, I see. (Takes bill from pocket and hands 
it to him.) Here's two dollars. Say on! 



THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 11 

Pat (pocketing money). Now we go on. First av all Oi 
drove th' leddy aroun' Bronx Park. 

Adolph (eagerly). Alone of course! 

Pat. Not a bit av it. (Significantly.) Some leddies is 
too nervous t' ride thro' th' park in a cab alone. (In a 
hoarse whisper.) There was two av thim. 

Adolph (starting). Two of them! Speak! Who was the 
other ? 

Pat (knowingly). This is werry particular. (Holding 
out hand and playfully twiddling fingers.) Th' wheels want 
greasin'. 

Adolph. Aha! I perceive. (Aside.) Mercenary brute. 
(Taking bill from pocket — aloud.) There's another five. 
(Eagerly.) Say, who was inside. 

Pat (after looking about furtively). "Fuzzy" overcoat 
was inside. 

Adolph (violently). "Fuzzy" overcoat! The devil he 
was There's something diabolical in a "fuzzy" overcoat. 
(Vehemently.) Say on! Continue! 

Pat. Well, boss, afther drivin' aroun' th' park, we pro- 
ceeded to th' boulevard an' then we pulls up at a concrete 
cottage, with a peeky, pointed roof, in what they calls th' 
Queen Anne sthyle of architecture. 

Adolph (impatiently). Never mind the style of archi- 
tecture. Go on! 

Pat. Will they wint inter th' cottage an' stayed a divil 
av a long time. 

Adolph (jumping about with indignation). The devil 
they did ! I can't stand this any longer ! Manslaughter is 
against the law, but (seising Pat by the collar with both 
hands and shaking him violently and crying with terrible 
emphasis) I'll take the very first opportunity of totally ex- 
terminating "fuzzy" overcoat! (Wildly.) I will, ha! ha! 
(Rushes to sofa and throws himself upon it.) 

Pat (struggling violently). I say, don't do that! The 
next time you do that again, don't you do it at all. Let 
George do it. (Aside.) He's an excitable customer. (Takes 



12 THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 

letter from his pocket where he placed it. Aloud.) Here's 
a letter that "fuzzy" overcoat gave me fer th' leddy. 

Adolph {convulsively). A letter for the lady! (Rushes 
at Pat and tries to snatch letter, but Pat stops him.) 

Pat. No, no. This letther is worth money t' me. Oi 
promised f deliver th' letther t' th' leddy. Well, (argu- 
mentatively) th' leddy will tip me somethin' av coorse — an' 
thin yez can take th' letther from her. An' now that Pat- 
rick Dwyer has tould yez ivery thing (holding out hand) 
perhaps ye wouldn't moind coughing up a leetle fer th' 
information. 

Adolph (aside). The fellow will strip me of all I pos- 
sess! (Bitterly.) But I must humor him. I may require 
his assistance. (Gives him bill — aloud.) There's another 
five. (Solemnly.) Patrick Dwyer, you'll stand by me? 

Pat (joyfully pocketing money). Stand by ye! (Reso- 
lutely). Oi won't niver lave ye! 

Adolph (melodramatically). 'Tis well. (Noise off R. 
2 E. He looks off there.) Hush! She comes. We must not 
be seen together. Comrade, we understand each other. 

Pat (endeavoring to imitate his manner). We does! 

Adolph (pantomiming sword thrusis, etc.) Something 
desperate must be done ! (Passing his right hand across 
throat with a fiendish laugh.) Ha! ha! (Pat is very much 
surprised, but grotesquely imitates him.) 

Pat. It must. Ho ! ho ! 

Adolph (mysteriously). Hush! Not a word. We are 
agreed. Ha ! ha ! (Makes mysterious and grotesque signs 
to Pat and exits C. D., going R.) 

Pat (puzzled). Who's looney now? Well, he is a crazy 
customer. (He starts down to door L. 2 E. and is about to 
exit when Vivian enters door R. 2 E. with coffee pot, etc., 
on tray, and goes up to table without seeing Pat. Speaks 
as though her husband were in the room.) 

Vivian (as she enters). Now, love, here's some hot 
coffee for you. 



THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 13 

Pat {turns — surprised). You're really werry kind, mum. 

Vivian {turns quickly). You here still? 

Pat. Oi've got somethin , fer yez, mum. {Flourishing 
letter mysteriously to and fro.) 

Vivian {surprised). A note for me? Give it to me. 
(Pat extends his hand and playfully twiddles his fingers.) 

Pat. But ye see, mum, th' postage ain't paid yet. 

Vivian {understanding). Oh, I see. There's half a 
dollar. {Gives him coin and takes the letter.) 

Pat (aside). Half a dollar! {Pockets money.) She 
don't fork out like th' boss. 

Vivian {opens note and reads.) "All is now quite ready. 
Come over at once. It is better that your husband ^hould 
still remain in the dark." {Aloud.) Yes, I had better go. 
Another visit and all will be arranged. {To Pat hastily.) 
You must drive me with all possible haste to the house on 
the boulevard. 

Pat {surprised). Th' concrete cottage? 

Vivian .{hastily). Wait for me below. I will get my hat 
and cloak and rejoin you immediately. {She exits door 
in R. 2 E. quickly.) 

Pat {joyfully). The Queen Anne cottage agin! Another 
fare — this is great. Napoleon, my boy, things are booming 
this morning, an' no mistake. 

Adolph {rushes down stage — tragically). I've heard all! 
She's off again ! Quick ! Take that coat off and give it 
to me. 

Pat {intensely surprised). Yez want me coat? 

Adolph {wildly). Coat, badge, hat, whip, cab, horse — 
everything ! 

Pat {astounded). What! Napoleon an' all? 

Adolph. Yes, Napoleon and all. {Gives money.) Here's 
twenty dollars for you. 

Pat {grabs money — with delight) . Twinty dollars ! 
Phew ! Things air comin' my way wid a vengeance. {Has- 
tily pulling off coat.) But what am Oi to put on? 

Adolph {pulling off dressing gown). Here — this! {He 



14 THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 

puts on Pat's coat, which is way too large for him, the 
sleeves hanging over his hands and the tails dragging on 
the ground. While Pat puts the dressing gown on, which 
is much too small for him. Be sure to strive for this comedy 
effect.) Now, then, your hat and whip! {He puts on 
Pat's high hat, zvhich falls down over his ears in a ridicu- 
lous manner, and snatches the whip from the sofa where 
Pat laid it down.) My wife has evidently got another 
appointment — a secret appointment. {With increasing sar- 
casm.) Ha! ha! This is very sensational. I've lately waded 
through hundreds of novels, but I've found nothing to 
come up to this. {With tremulous intensity.) I, Adolphus 
Van Sittart, disguised as a cabman, will drive my wife to 
the appointed spot, and then — {in the height of his indig- 
nation he begins to slash Pat with the whip. Pat jumps 
about in dressing gown.) 

Pat {roaring). Hello! Phat air ye up to? Oi ain't 
"fuzzy" overcoat! 

Adolph {abruptly). Beg pardon! I was carried away 
by the warmth of my over-vivid imagination. 

Pat {rubbing himself — aside). By jingo! Oi don't feel, 
so comfortable wi' this felly. He's such a rumbustical sort 
of a gink! 

Adolph {fiercely). Meanwhile, you stay here, Patrick — 
don't budge till my return, Patrick. I leave you the run of 
the pantry, Patrick — eat, drink, swill, stuff, Patrick — {roar- 
ing) do you hear, Patrick? 

Pat {astounded). Well, I am — 

Adolph {vehemently). You've rendered me a great serv- 
ice, Patrick — I approve of you, Patrick — I adopt you, Pat- 
rick {with a burst of" feeling). Come to my arms, Patrick! 
{Pulls Pat by the lapels of his dressing gown into his arms. 
Pat struggles in his arms.) 

Pat. Things air comin' my way too fast now. (Adolphus 
pushes him away abruptly, he nearly falls.) 

Adolph. Now for the scene of action. Where I may 
meet "fuzzy" overcoat. Ha! ha! My vengeance shall be 
startling — ferocious — implacable — unrelenting — far reach- 



THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 15 

ing — (At each word he viciously slashes Pat with the 
whip. Pat dodges about in alarm.) 

Pat. Now he's at it agin. Hello ! Oi say ! Shtop it, will 
ye! 

Adolph (abruptly). Beg pardon. My over-vivid imag- 
ination again mistook — 

Vivian (off R. 2 E.). I'm coming! 

Adolph. Ah ! The traitress comes ! Quick ! Conceal your- 
self! And now (with wild intensity) for the concrete cottage 
and "fuzzy" overcoat — ha! ha! (He exits zvildly in over 
exaggerated melodramatic style.) 

Pat (rubbing himself). Oi hope his over-vivid imag- 
ination won't mistake me any more. (Vivian makes slight 
noise off R. 2 E.) Hello! Here comes th' leddy. Oi'll make 
mesilf scarce. Oi'll hide behind here. (Hides behind the 
sofa. 

Vivian enters R. 2 E. with hat and cloak on. She crosses 
the stage to door L. 2 E. speaking as she crosses the stage. 

Vivian. I must hasten back before Adolphus should 
grow suspicious. (She exits door L. 2 E. and as soon as 
she is out the noise of horse's hoofs are heard outside L. 
Pat gets up from his hiding place and goes to window and 
looks out.) 

Pat. They're off. Well, here's a rum go. Here am Oi 
in a gintleman's house, togged out in th' said gintleman's 
clothes, with th run of the gintleman's panthry — an' there 
goes th' gintleman himself, on th' box seat av me cab, a 
drivin' me Napoleon, an' a flourishin' me whip. (Crosses 
to the table R. C, sits in the chair L. of table. Pours out a 
cup of coffee.) Well, there's no use in speculatin' what's goin' 
ter happen. Oi'm hungry as the divil, so Oi'll accept th' kin' 
gintleman's offer an' make mesilf t' home. (Drinks.) Good 
coffee that. (As he eats and drinks he sees the bottle of olives 
on the table, reaches over and picks up the bottle and studies 
it attentively.) Phat th' divil air thim things? (Spells.) 
O-1-i-v-e-s — olives. Thims what th' rich folks ates ; dago 
fruit av some kind. Oi've niver tasted thim an' Oi'm goin' 



16 THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 

to ef 't kills me. {Takes the cork out of bottle and tries to 
put the different styles of articles on the table — spoon, 
knife, fork, etc. — down the neck of bottle. Not succeeding 
in this way he finally turns the bottle upside down in the 
palm of his left hand, puts the olives which come out into 
his mouth; gets a taste of them and with a wry face spits 
them out.) Phew! They's spiled! (Sees the decanters on 
sideboard, gets up from chair and crosses to the sideboard 
and fills one of the glasses from the decanter; raises the 
glass in his hand and looks at it; smells it and smiles; tastes 
it and then empties glass; is about to refill it, but hesitates 
and raising the decanter takes a good long drink from that.) 
Ah, that's more like it! (Door bell rings L. 2 E.) Hello! 
who's that? (Crosses to window and looks out.) Why, it's 
th' leddy come back. Oi must make mesilf scarce. (Hides 
behind the portiere of C. D.) 

Vivian enters door L. 2 E. y breathless, half fainting; 
staggers to sofa, sits, fans herself with her handkerchief. 

Vivian. I do believe that cabman has gone stark, star- 
ing mad. (Excitedly.) After driving me at breakneck speed 
down the street he ran the cab with a crash into a trolley 
car. 

Pat (aside). Eh!. 

Vivian. The police ran up and the cabman was hurried 
to the station house, horse, cab and all. 

Pat (who has listened with breathless interest, rushes 
violently forward). To the station house! 

Vivian (screams). A-a-a-h! Why, there he is! 

Pat (excited). Did ye say Napoleon was pinched an' 
taken t' th' station house? 

Vivian (bewildered). Am I going mad? Why, I left 
you not five minutes ago struggling in the hands of the 
police. But my husband will help. I will insist upon his 
helping you. 

Pat. Your husband! (Angry.) If me Napoleon's gone 
t' th' station house, it strikes me yer husban' has gone along 
wid him. 



THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 17 

Vivian (overcome). My husband in prison! Oh, where, 
where! I will fly to him instantly. (Starts for door L. 2 E. 
but is stopped by Pat.) 

Pat. No, you don't. Th' boss wouldn't approve av it. 

Vivian (indignantly). What do you mean by this inso- 
lence? (She looks at Pat and suddenly notices that he is 
zv earing her husband's dressing gown.) How is it I find 
you here wearing my husband's dressing gown? 

Pat (sententiously) . Be th' same token that yer husban' 
was a drivin' my cab, a wearin' me coat. 

Vivian (struck by the idea). Ah, I see it all! He evi- 
dently suspects — 

Pat (knowingly). Oi should rather think he did. An' 
whin he comes back — (impressively). Now, min' Oi don't 
want ter frighten yer, but yez have heard tell av Bluebeard. 
(Passes his hand across his throat.) Cr-r-r-rk! (Ties an 
imaginary knot under left ear — imitation of hanging.) 
Cou-ic ! That's what's in shtore f er yez. Oi kin tell ye. 

Vivian (alarmed — half crying). Oh, this is too much — 
I'll leave the house! I'll take refuge at my uncle's. (Ab- 
ruptly — producing purse.) Here, take this purse and let 
me go. 

Pat (astonished). A purse! (Vivian goes up to desk 
up L. U. E. and writes hurriedly.) 

Vivian. I will just write a few lines to my husband and 
quit this place forever. 

Pat (examining purse.) Fifty dollars, every cent av it. 
(Completely altering his manner.) Oh, dis knocks the boss 
out av th' runnin'. Oi'm all fer th' Deddies agin. (Crossing 
to L. 2 E.) Here ye air, mum. There ain't no resistin' 
lovely woman. Mum's th' worrud, mum. (Dances a few steps 
going up L. C.) So shtep out at once whoile Oi look th' 
other way. 

Vivian (hands him note). Give this to my husband wdien 
he returns. Tell him all is over between us. That I leave 
his house forever. 

Pat (aside). That's what they all say. (Aloud.) Oi'll 
tell him, mum. (As he goes up to windozv — aside). It will 



18 THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 

just about suit th' boss, Oi'm thinkin'. (Looks out the win- 
dow.) Here comes th' boss now. (Horse's hoofs heard in 
the distance off L., gradually getting nearer.) 

Vivian (hurriedly). Ah! He must not find me here. I'll 
go through the garden. (Goes up to C. D.) That my hus- 
band should have dared to suspect me. Oh, 'tis horrible! 
Atrocious! (She exits center door going right. Pat rubs 
his hands and sings in glee.) 

Pat. Tol-di-rol-di ! Riddle-rol! Things are shtill comin' 
my way. Oi'm on the high road t' fortune. 

Adolphus rushes in door L. 2 E in a terrific excitement, 
whip in hand. 

Adolph (wildly). I'm out on bail! The miscreants ar- 
rested me fof speeding ! 

Pat (eagerly). Don't worrit, boss; ye'll forgit all that. 
Oi've been at work an' fixed iverythink fer yez, boss. 

Adolph (eagerly). You have! Ha, ha! Say on, my 
trusted charioteer, say on! (Pat holds out his hand slyly 
and tzviddles fingers.) 

Pat. Mum's the worrud, boss. 

Adolph. Why, what do you want now? 

Pat (playfully twiddling fingers). A werry important 
revelation is comin' (facetiously). Money makes th' mare 
go! 

Adolph (alarmed). The fellow is a positive leech. (Im- 
ploringly — showing empty pockets.) Do you desire my 
shoes, my suspenders, my collar? 

Pat. No ; me expectashuns air moderate. ( With extreme 
playfulness) . Oi need a watch. 

Adolph (indignantly) . You need a watch. 

Pat (holding out hand). If ye'll hand yers over, Oi'll 
tell yez somethin' that will make ye shpin roun' an' roun' 
wid joy an' satisfaction. 

Adolph (aside). He must have made some most impor- 
tant discovery. (Giving Pat his watch.) There; take it; 
but tell me all — do you hear? All! 



THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 19 

Pat (pocketing watch — mysteriously). Well, thin — Oi 
got rid av her fer yez. 

Adolph (starting). Got rid of who? 

Pat. Th' missus. 

Adolph. Got rid of my wife? 

Pat (impressively). Fer good an' all. She won't never 
come back no more. Here's a letther she left fer ye. (Pat 
holds out letter and Adolphus snatches it from him and 
reads it hastily.) 

Adolph (Reads). "Sir, all is over between us. You 
have mortally offended me — " (laughing bitterly.) Ha! ha! 
I've offended her. Come, that's a good joke, that is. (Read- 
ing.) "But before leaving I owe you a full explanation. My 
Uncle Tompkins has returned from Alaska with a large for- 
tune. Desirous of making you a handsome present, he re- 
cently purchased on the boulevard a concrete cottage — 

Pat (interrupting). In th' Queen Anne shtyle av archi- 
tecture. 

Adolph (roaring). The devil take the style of architec- 
ture! (Overcome.) Then it was only an uncle. Good gra- 
cious ! Then I have gone and done it ! (Falls into sofa L. C.) 

Pat (altering manner). Yez have an' no mishtake. Oi 
wouldn't be in yer shoes fer a trifle. (Goes up and sits in 
chair L. of table.) 

Adolph (suddenly recollecting). But where is my wife? 
My innocent, much wronged Vivian? 

Pat (pathetically). Vivian's gone. Vivian won't never 
come back no more. (Throws himself back comfortably in 
chair.) 

Adolph (roaring wildly). Wretch! What have you done 
with her? 

Pat (with dignity). Serves ye roight fer suspectin' an 
innocent, unoffendin' female. 

Adolph (wildly). Ha, ha! Taunted by the x very instru- 
ment of my barbarity. Scoundrel, take that, and that ! 
(Pitches into Pat with the whip. Pat jumps to feet and 
dashes around the table to right, crying.) 



20 THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 

Pat. Hello (Shouting.) Here, Oi say! He's a bilin' 
over agin ! Help ! Murder ! Spare me ! 

Adolph (furious). Spare you! Never! Revenge! Ha! ha! 
(Adolphus rushes after Pat and they run into the arm 
chair, upsetting it.) 

Vivian enters C. D. and stands looking on. Pat runs 
around the table shouting. 

Pat. Help! Murder! (Hotly pursued by Adolphus, 
roaring — ) 

Adolph. Revenge! Revenge! Ha! ha! Villain, where 
is my wife? (Sees Vivian.) Why, there she is! (Throws 
away whip and runs to her. In crossing he upsets the table 
by violently running against it. Loud crash.) 

Pat (shouting) . There goes that good coffee. (Adolphus 
throws himself on his knees before Vivian and pleads.) 

Adolph. Forgive me, dear ! It was all a mistake ! (Viv- 
ian through all this has scarcely been able to keep from 
laughing.) 

Vivian. It's lucky for you, sir, the garden gate was 
locked. Had it not been I should be far from here. As it is, 
sir, concealed behind the portieres, I have been an unseen 
spectator of your repentance. Rise, sir; I forgive you. 

Adolph (rising — angrily). What a fool I have been. 
I've been mixing up fact and fiction, romance and reality. 
I'll give up "sensational" literature and stick to the (local). 

Pat (patronizingly — to Vivian). But it's all roight, mum. 
He won't do it no more. Oi'll be responsible fer him. 

Adolph. You! (Suddenly remembering.) Perhaps you'll 
kindly return my property. (They exchange coats again, 
each taking his own. Adolphus holds out his hand for the 
watch. Pat is about to hand over zvhen Vivian interferes.) 

Vivian. Nay; let him keep the watch. You deserve to 
forfeit something, sir, for suspecting your affectionate little 
wife. (Taking Adolphus'' arm. She is on L. of him, he 
being C. and Pat R.) We will visit Uncle Tompkins on the 
boulevard. 

Adolph. At the concrete cottage — 



THE CABMAN AND THE LADY. 21 

Pat (butting in). In th' Queen Anne shtyle of archi- 
tecture. 

Adolph. Never mind the style of architecture. It will 
soon be mine, thanks to — (looking at Vivian). 

Vivian. The cabman. (Pat bows.) 

Pat. An' th' leddy ! (Vivian curtseys.) 

Curtain. 



DENISON'S •'«* _ 
VAUDEVILLE 



PICKLES 

FORTfO 



«pg 



Denison's 
Vaudeville Sketches 

Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid. 

Nearly all of these sketches were written for profes- 
sionals and have been given with great success oy vaude- 
ville artists of note. They are essentially dramatic and 
very funny; up-to-date comedy. They are not recom- 
mended for church entertainments; however, they con- 
tain nothing that will offend, and are all within tha 
range of amateurs. 

DOINGS OF A DUDE.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 2 m., 1 f. 
Time 20 m. Scene: Simple interior. Maizy Von Billion of athletic tenden- 
cies is expecting a boxing instructor and has procured Bloody Mike, a prize 
fighter, to ** try him out." Percy Montmorency, her sister's ping pong teacher, 
Ij mistaken for the boxing instructor and has a "trying out'* that is a sur- 
prise. A whirlwind of fun and action. 

FRESH TIMOTHY HAY.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L.Newton; 2 m., 
1 f. Time 20 m. Scene: Simple rural exterior. By terms of a will, Rose 
Lark must marry Reed Bird or forfeit a legacy. Rose and Reed have never 
met and when he arrives Timothy Hay, a fresh farm hand, mistakes him for 
Pink Eye Pete, a notorious thief. Ludicrous lines and rapid action. 

GLICKMAN, THE GLAZIER.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton 
and A. S. Hoffman; 1 m., 1 f. Time 25 m. Scene: Sample interior. Char- 
lotte Russe, an actress, is scored by a dramatic paper. With "blood in her eye" 
she seeks the critic at the office, finds no one in and smashes a window. Jacob 
Glickman, a Hebrew glazier, rushes in and is mistaken for the critic. Fun, 
Jokes, gags and action follow with lightning rapidity. A great Jew part. 

THE GODDESS OF LOVE.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 1 m., 
1 f. Time 15 m. Scene: Simple exterior. Aphrodite, a Greek goddess, is a 
statue in the park. According to tradition a gold ring placed upon her finger 
will bring her to life. Knott Jones, a tramp, who had slept in the park all 
night, brings her to life. A rare combination of the beautiful and the best of 
comedy. Novel, easy to produce and a great hit. <» 

HEY, RUBE I— Monologue, by Harry L. Newton \\ m. Time 15 m. Reuben 
Spinach from Yapton visits Chicago for the first time. The way he tells of 
the sights and what befell him would make a sphinx laugh. 

IS IT RAINING?— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 1 m. t 1 f. 
Time 10 m. Otto Swimorebeer, a German, Susan Fairweather, a friend of 
his. This act runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and comical lines. 

MARRIAGE AND AFTER.— Monologue, by Harry L. Newton and A. S. 
Hoffman; 1 m. I.'ime about 10 m. A laugh every two seconds on a subject 
which appeals to all. Full of local hits. 

ME AND MY DOWN TRODDEN SEX.— Old maid monologue, by Harry L. 
Newton; 1 f. Time 5 m. Polly has lived long enough to gather a few facts 
about men, which are told in the most laughable manner imaginable. 

AN OYSTER STEW.— A rapid fire talking act, by Harry L. Newton and 
A. S. Hoffman; -2 in. Time 10 m. Dick Tell, a knowing chap. Tom Askit, 
not so wise. This act is filled to overflowing with lightning cross-fires, 
pointed puns and hot retorts. 

PICKLES FOR TWO.— Dutch rapid-fire talking act, by Harry L. Newton 
and A. S. Hoffman; 2 m. Time 15 m. Hans, a German mixer. Gus, another 
one. Unique ludicrous Dutch dialect, interspersed with rib-starting witti- 
cisms. The style of act made famous by Weber and Field. 

THE TROUBLES OF ROZINSKL— Jew monologue, by Harry L. Newton 
and A. S. Hoffman; 1 m. Time 15 m. Rozinski, a buttonhole-maker, is 
forced to join the union and go on a " strike." He has troubles every minute 
Maat will tickle the ribs of both Labor and Capital. 

WORDS TO THE WISE.— Monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 m. Time 
about 15 m. A typical vaudeville talking act, which is fat with funny lines 
&ed rich fare hits that will be remembered and laugfeed over for weeks. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given. 



M. F. 

Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 

Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min. , . . 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
Fun in a Photograph Gallery, 

30 min 6 10 

Great Doughnut Corporation, 

30 min 3 5 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
<ireat Pumpkin Case, 30 min. ..12 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min 4 3 

Happy Pair, 25 min 1 1 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Is the Editor In? 20 min 4 2 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min.... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Carver's Fancy Ball, 40 m. 4 3 
Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 

min 3 2 

My Lord in Livery, 1 hr 4 3 

My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min... 3 3 

My Turn Next, 45 min 4 3 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Obstinate Family, 40 min . . 3 3 

Only Cold Tea, 20 min 3 3 

Outwitting the Colonel, 2$ min. 3 2 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min... 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min.. 6 3 

Regular Fix, 35 min. 6 4 

Rough Diamond, 40 min....... 4 3 

Second Childhood, 15 min 2 2 

Slasher and Crasher, 50 min... 5 2 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min.. 5 3 
Taming a Tiger, 30 min ....... 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Treasure from Egypt, 45 min. 4 1 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. . 4 

Two Bonnycastles, 45 min 3 3 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix. 15 ro-J^^ 



VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
OLOGUES. ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

M. F. 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.10 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20m.. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min.. 1 1 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. 14 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min. .... 2 1 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min .... 2 

Five Minutes from Yell College, 

15 min. .... . . ........... 2 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min... 2 1 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min.. 1 1 
Handy Andy (Negro), 12 min.. 2 

Her Hero, 20 min , 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

Home Run, 15 min , 1 1 

Hot Air, 25 min J 2 1 

Jumbo Jum, 30 min... 4 3 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and After, 10 min... 1 
Mischievous Nigger, 25 min... 4 2 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min .... 1 1 
Mr. Badger's Uppers, 40 min.. 4 2 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 
Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min . . 4 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10 

min 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min. 2 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 
Prof. Black's Funny graph, 15 m. 6 
Recruiting Office, 15 min. ..... 2 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 

Si and I, 15 min • ••• 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min... 2 1 
Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min... 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min... 3 

Umbrella Mender, 15 min 2 

Uncle Bill at the Vaudeville, 15 

— .min 1 

^^ Jeff, 25 min..., 5 2 

Jits de Reward? 30 min.. 5 1 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



A threat number of 
ndard and Amateur Plays 
found here are listed In 
Denison's Catalogue. 



OCT *3 1911 



W. Randolph Si.. Chicago 






POPULAR ENTERTAIN 

Price, Illustrated Paper Covers 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




PTS.DENIS0N&C0MPANY C 1 

PUBLISHERS 
I kfflCAGOc I 



¥N this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 



DIALOGUES 

AH Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

New, clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Brand new, original, successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. % 

The Comic Entertainer. 
Recitations.monologues.dialogues. 

Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 

The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 

The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 
For pupils of all ages. 

Humorous Monologues. 
Particularly for ladies. 

Monologues for Young Folks. 
Clever, humorous, original. 

The Patriotic Speaker. 

Master thoughts of masterminds. 

The Poetical Entertainer. 
For reading or speaking. 

Pomes ov the Pecpul. 

Wit, humor, satire; funny poems. 

Scrap-Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, poe- 
try. 14 Nos., per No. 25c. 




016 215 156 3 



DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Plans, invitations, decorations, 

games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
The Little Folks . or Work and Play. 

A gem of a book. 
Little Folks* Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes; 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Swaying 

Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

HAND BOOKS 

The Debater's Handbook. 

Bound only in cloth, 50c. 
Everybody's Letter Writer. 

A handy manual. 
Good Manners. 

Etiquette in brief form. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Social Card Games. 

Complete in brief form. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland, via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated Catalogue Free* 



T. S. DHJNISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago 



